The Crogabond Experience

Welcome, true believers!

2011-11-12T19:06:00.005+11:00

GREETINGS, SPACE DUCK READERS!

Hey there guys! Some of you are going to be here because of Space Duck, and that's pretty great. I'm going to warn you right now though, that a lot of the stuff here is pretty rude, so if you're under the age of 15 or easily offended you shouldn't read the other articles we've got here.

In the new year I will launch a nice new swanky website that will be fun for the entirety of your family, but for now you can join the Space Duck page on Facebook for any handy new updates.

You might also like to keep an eye on Crogabond.tumblr.com for little bite-sized updates of art from me, Kevyn Stott.

Thanks a lot to all of you for making Space Duck a success.

Doctor Videogames

2011-11-09T22:46:00.001+11:00

It's time for everyone's favourite videogames based medical practitioner; Doctor Videogames!

A list of things Crogabond hates

2011-10-22T08:05:00.000+11:00

Let me paint a picture a picture for you: your alarm wakes you up at 7:30 one morning, and you are dead. Well, shit. Fuck! There you are, silver and see through, your waist growing smaller until it is but a wisp. You hover above your body. What the fuck do I do now? Goodness fucking gracious! You yell at yourself, but it doesn't work. You float through the wall, and rather than seeing a town still asleep, with only few awaken by the bitter siren of work or insomnia, you see something else. What are all these other fucking ghosts doing out here?

It's just going to be one of those days, you suppose. One of those days... you hate.

Here is a list of things Crogabond hates.

Babies. Babies cry, and they bitch. Of course, Crogabond was once a baby, but he fixed that by not being a baby. Are you a baby?
Boxing gloves. What kind of joker uses boxing gloves? If you wanna box, here's what you gotta do; get a box. And then punch someone wiTH YOUR BARE FISTS YOU FUCKING COWARD.
Cartoons. What, you wanna watch baby shows? Are you a baby? Go shove Porky Pig up your ass, baby.
Anime. Cartoons for ugly people.
Blu-ray. Crogabond doesn't know what this is, but it sounds like a soul musician from the 80s.
Conventions. Strange people like to meet up at these places and do weird shit. You need to go to a convention, alright - a facelift convention!
Furries. Much like the Blu-ray, Crogabond doesn't know what this is. He just knows that he doesn't want to be any part of it.
Video games. Stop having acne and enrol into the army, you suckers.
Dolls. You call them action figures? Seriously? Crogabond likes to suck the life out of Tom Cruise and then play out Mission Impossible with his lifeless body. That is what he calls action figures.
Some dinosaurs suck too I guess

Additionally, here is a list of things Crogabond is at peace with.

Other dinosaurs are pretty sweet
Skateboards
Crowns

Both lists are subject to change.

CROGABOND SELLS OUT!

2011-07-18T15:47:00.000+10:00

Although we have been supported generously by our wonderful (and quite frankly, wise) benefactors which include the likes of Henry's Bananas and our fine friends over at The Ninja Turtles Initiative, us geniuses over here at TCE are finally doin' it. The constant pleading of the execs of Microsoft has become too much, and out of pity we have accepted their lukewarm offer. There those nerdy cunts leaned down in front of Kevyn and I, their bare buttoms quivering and hastily rubbing against our fine cocks. "Please, join us here at Microsoft!" They farted a bit as they spoke. "We will do anything, you can rape our fuckin' arses, just sign this and we will reward you!" Kevyn and I pondered vigorously and handsomely, and eventually succumbed to their fine offers of wealth and homosexuality.

So, what can you expect now, from TCE? MICROSOFT GAME REVIEWS! Neither Me nor Kevyn have an Xbox, but thats alright, because we have the completely bonkers ability of making shit up, just like our pals over at IGN! (By the by, have you ever wondered what IGN must stand for? Must be IGnoraNt!) We will also be part of the design team over at Microsoft, giving helpful input into new ideas for fresh games, such as "Make s'more Burger King games!" and "It's really God damn hot in here!". Other bright ideas we may share with our cohorts include convincing the continually sobbing Peter Molyneux into believing that his shitty Milo thing is only a tech demo and calling the next Halo game This is the Last One Guys, We Are Fucking Serious This is the Last Halo and then make another sequel and call it Haha, You Fucking Dickheads Better Believe Halo Is Back!

But alas, Crogafans, we will keep you posted on the newest situations (or the "Sitch, Wade!") on what is crappening over at Microsoft when we visit our new offices on Saturday. Keep your calendars planned and your dicks in hand!

Mug

2011-03-30T21:43:00.000+11:00

Get ready to talk through ya bumholes, you naughty marauders! Crogabond has a new video for you pasty cunts.

LAUGH at the comedy antics of foolish nature!
CLAP for our amazing acting talents being received for your eyes, ears and boners!
SHIT because you need to poo really bad.

ITS THE CROGABOND EXPERIENCE!

The Most Important Thing Anyone Has Ever Done

2011-03-29T22:23:00.001+11:00

Fart-tasia

2011-02-02T21:24:00.002+11:00

Crogafans, Fastasia double feature on blu-ray.

Now you can buy that, or just watch this:

Because that is the highlight of about 8 hours or something ridiculous.

Last thing that could possibly be invented, invented.

2010-12-16T22:59:00.002+11:00

Call up the Nobel Prize people, we just found a winner. Of course, now that everything that could possibly be invented has been invented, scientific research will come to a standstill. No one will mind, obviously, because we will all be having rocking parties with our COUCHBUNKS.

Inception videogame might happen, will make you fall asleep

2010-09-22T18:03:00.003+10:00

Director of the new Batman movies, Inception, and the upcoming Cap'n Crunch Begins announced that he would like to make a videogame adaption of Inception. Nothing else has been said on this front, but we can only hope that it is an MMO. That would be great. Totally customizable content; mess about with other peoples dreams so there are shock images all over the place! Make your totem a giant floppy dong! Friend of yours says he doesn't like butts? Go into his dreams and convince him that he likes butts. The fate of the ultimate sand man is in your hands!!!

Where In The World Is Kevyn Arthur Stott?

2010-09-21T17:34:00.004+10:00

(The service wherein Kevyn deletes picutres of himself with dicks photoshopped on -Ed)

Aaaah Kevyn Stott. What a great little man he was. Although he has seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. Or like, gone camping or something. And as you can see with your eyes on THIS SCREEN, in his absence I have decided to restart Crogabond a bit. I will post every day for a while, and once Kevyn gets home we'll probably sort out some posting schedule thing. Probably. Hopefully the man, the legend, the yiffer is back soon!

WE<3UKEVYNXOXOOX

Mario X-rayed, is the skeleton from Decap Attack

2010-09-20T16:53:00.002+10:00

This is a pretty awesome thing, really. Mario has a kind of fucked up body shape, doesn't he?

Jace Reviews Recettear

2010-09-19T14:47:00.023+10:00

Jace's Videos Of The Mizzy-Month: princess leiya will princess paya

2010-08-09T21:44:00.002+10:00

Hello, you pretty little muchkins! You sexy little cuntgremlins! You clambering, shrivel-laden clit rings! Uncle Jace and Haste is here to bring you the first installation of "Jace's Videos Of The Mizzy-Month! This one for August, TWENTY TO THE TEN HUNGRY HIPPOS. Thats a lot of hungry hippos. Now, take them away. No, no. No! Take them away right now! There, see? They're gone. The hungry hippos are gone. Now GAZE UPON THESE VIDEOS THEY WILL HELP DISTRACT FROM THE MISSING HIPPOS

This is pretty funny. I know the whole Rick Astley is old now you guys, but this is just hilarious. I wish more people did this! Because instead of going "Oaw fucking hungry hippos, not another one of these Rick Rolls", things like these would come around that change it up every so often, and instead you would be like "Woah! What a pleasant fucking surprise." It makes it less of a chore and more of a thing that kicks ass. So hey! Internet! Quit being unfunny and annoying! You bunch of uncreative dungweasels!

Alright, internet. I'll let you off this time. But next time, you won't be so lucky.

I don't even need to say anything. Just about everything this video has for your eyes to gaze upon is nigh on perfection.

This is a pretty interesting idea. Has someone ever started a blog where they document/videotape themselves travelling the world fuckin' hookers and shit and telling of their wonderful adventures? We can only hope.

And we end with this video of this man singing the songs people sang about videogames. He is very good, and has a nice goatee/beard, so he can sleep happy knowing that he is the last but not least in the carnival of Crogabond cranklies for August. Happy shoe-dancing, and make sure not to tread on those there dream-boots on your way out, you shitkicker.

Kids Time

2010-07-29T19:11:00.006+10:00

Hello little children, it's time for an update just for you! Now, do you all like the Crogabond Crab?

Yes? Well then, you are going to love his friend, the Crogabond Crater-beast!

Say hello, Crater-beast!

Hello!

Say hello to your new friend, Crab!

Isn't that nice.

The Best Dream

2010-07-23T22:29:00.001+10:00

Soyvoyage: Totally dreamed about fuckin' this girl.
Soyvoyage: Shits so cash.
Kaatridge: Feels good man.
Soyvoyage: She was pretty nice about it.
Kaatridge: I see.
Kaatridge: And then while she was riding you you looked down and then looked back up at her face and it was me.
Soyvoyage: NO
Soyvoyage: FUKKA YOU.
Kaatridge: And then you wake up with a boner.
Soyvoyage: OH SHIT.
Soyvoyage: NOPE]
Soyvoyage: NIEO
Kaatridge: That would be a great comic.
Soyvoyage: NO WAY
Soyvoyage: NOT HAPPY WITH THATt
Soyvoyage: AT ALL
Kaatridge: I am laughing my ass off.
Kaatridge: "And then you wake up with a boner" should be the ending to all stories.
Soyvoyage: and thats how I was late for work.

The spreading fields of Jackie Chan

2010-06-29T11:43:00.002+10:00

Now I know what you are all thinking; "When is Jace going to create the most epic piece of music ever to exist upon this humble earth?"
The answer is: Some minutes ago, and in fact I have it for you now.
One thing is very important when you listen to this tune, try not to shit your pants because of how good it is. One minute you are gliding across the Jackie Chan fields like an eagle, the next you are battling Jackie Chan against evil, laying siege to Jackie Chan Castle on the outskirts of Jackie Chan village. I asked Jace for brief comment on how he came up with this incredible musical experience.

" So there I was, in the bathroom peeing in the sink and masturbating to see what happens, when I thought "WHAT IF I SUNG "JACKIE CHAN" TO THE HYRULE FIELD SONG" And here we are."

Here we are indeed, Jace! Here on the fields of Jackie Chan!

(Be careful not to blow your mind)

Of Possums and Pleasure

2010-06-24T18:28:00.001+10:00

Kaatridge: We might be getting a possum, and I am naming it if so apparently. Neato.
Soyvoyage: Call it "Cuntsucker"
Kaatridge: I don't think it will live up to it's name, though. It is bound not to suck many cunts.
Soyvoyage: Unless you trained it!
Kaatridge: I'm not going to train it to suck cunts.
Soyvoyage: Why not!? The girls would love you for it.
Kaatridge: I don't want the girls to love me for having a possum that can suck their baby holes.
Soyvoyage: What else the fuck do you want them to love you for? Your qualities!? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, YEAH RIGHT.
The only way you are going to get any ever, is if you teach a possum to pleasure the ladies.
It can't be that hard. Put some nuts in there or something. Possums eat nuts, don't they?
Haha, if they eat nuts, maybe you should get it to blow DUDES off! Then you wouldn't NEED the ladies to love you!
Kaatridge: I am amused.
Soyvoyage: Jiggle physics.
Kaatridge: On the possum?
Soyvoyage: Give it tits, why not.
Kaatridge: It is a girl possum
Soyvoyage: Even better! Then it will be easy to get married it won't be gay.
Kaatridge: I need to stop forgetting that I am talking to a furry.
Soyvoyage: Dude, not cool.
Kaatridge: It isn't cool at all.
Soyvoyage: This has nothing to do with me being a furry. I don't want a possum to suck me off, I am just telling YOU, tat it is a possibility.
Kaatridge: Not one I want in my future.
Soyvoyage: Your loss, buddy.

Indie Review Had Done An Poo: R.O.C.K

2010-06-23T19:16:00.006+10:00

Hello you! I am here doing a review, for you. Because you are just gorgeous. Look at you. You have been waiting AGES for me and Kevyn to deliver some content, and here it is. Contents! There are more than one! This is a review of an independent video game, which means that it believes in itself. So lets get right fucking into this Blinky Bill of an adventure!

It is called R.O.C.K., and that stands for Radioactive One-Eyed Critter Killer. You would think I am making a joke about what it stands for, but I am not! That is what it stands for. Tragic.

So basically, in the R.O.C.K. demo you play a little man wrapped in tinfoil that is encased in gelatin. So, basically Kevyn on a Sunday afternoon. This little man, who for the purpose of this review I will name Buns, has to go around a puke green cave shooting one-eyed green blobs with his rock gun. This game may have befitted from Buns actually shooting pure rock and roll out of his pistol, but no. Fuck off. Fuck you. He just shoots rocks that are bigger than his head. You can also faff about and collect Gumby's dicks to try and claim the high score.

Throughout the whole level, the same music plays. Music? No, sorry. That isn't what it is. It is a bzzt. It is nothing and everything. It is the droning. It the the fuckity click farting on a dick. The whole thing is a constant loud beat that lasts about 5 seconds long and loops over and over until your ears want to have an intervention. It makes me wonder, really; did the sick motherfucker who made this demo and it's music think this is acceptable? It'd be better with no music at all! I would rather a man of large heritage cut off some of his pubic hairs, rub his hands together with the pubes sandwiched in between them right next to my ear while I play the game. He could even rub a bit on my face! He would giggle about it! It is certainly a better time than whatever this game's musical experience has to offer to me.

The controls is balls. Well, I'm lying to you, I'm sorry, but it might as well be a big, greasy pair of them! Jumping in the game is very quick and slippery, so you are bound to mis-jump a lot. And if that isn't bad enough, later on in the level, you get hurt by spikes and insta-killed by green goo pools. These are everywhere, and you jump them with the tiniest platforms in the world at your very disposal.

Let me tell you, the goo pools are the absolute worst. One mistake, and you are back to the start of the demo. 3 mistakes, and all your lives are out and you are back at the beginning of the demo.

Mr. R.O.C.K. developer, sir. Please learn how games work, you giant cunt.

I wonder what Mr. R.O.C.K. decided to make this game. Is it his life aspiration? To magically make shit appear out of nothing? Does he hate humanity? Does he suck dicks? Who knows. I have stopped caring now. This game sucks. I give it no Blinky Bills out of 3 Blinky Bills.

Solicitors

2010-06-18T20:21:00.002+10:00

Sorry kids, about the lack of updates, but there is one great big problem we have been having. Solicitors! Lots of them. They keep on bursting into the Crogabond office and demanding that we let them solicit things, that we should stop burning down small villages in Holland for laughs, but let me tell you we have NO NEED FOR THEIR NONSENSE. While we have a tiny break from their solicitrous ways, we have uploaded this little snippet of conversation recorded between Jace and one of the many solicitors that are currently plaguing the Crogabond office.

Oh my fucking god it hurts: Crogcast 3

2010-05-02T14:15:00.004+10:00

HOLD ON TO YOUR FUCKSTICKS! Crogcast 3 is here, with the combined efforts of me, Kevyn and a bunch of technical problems!

LAUGH as Jace and Kevyn's recording equipment go awry!
SCREAM in terror at the terrible audio quality!
KNEEL in dismay at the terribleness of everything!

EDIT: Hey kids! You can hear you good pal me! (Kevyn) For most of it now! Hooray!
DOWNLOAD HERE

BANANA IMPERSONATING

2010-04-24T12:31:00.011+10:00

A bit ago, Kotaku made an article that inspired me. The article was about meat shaped as a spaceship. And that has inspired me to make me very own food-related impersonations of things. I now present you, Banana Theater. For my first impersonation, my banana will be doing a spot-on job at being like star-comedian, Jim Carrey.

Iron Man

2010-04-23T21:55:00.002+10:00

Ahh, Iron. The noblest of metals. The Ferrous Pharaoh. The Emperor of the Periodic Table.
Popular culture has brought us many "Super-Heroes", but I ask of you, where is "Spider" on the periodic table? Where is "Super"? I certainly don't see any element "Wolverine" on there. This is because all of those ridiculous ideas are UNSCIENTIFIC. The civilized world can only rely on ONE "Super-Hero". One who is named after something we TRUST. I speak of course of the infinitely stable and unchangeable: IRON.

Now, all of ye may join in the Iron man song, in order to cleanse yourself of your filthy sins.

Rap LAte Post Follow Up

2010-04-19T00:42:00.002+10:00

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

I WENT TO MY FRIEND'S SALON
WHERE HE WENT AND SUCKED ON A TAMPON
THEY SAW HIM AND TO THEIR VERY FRIGHT
HE FUCKED THEM 'TILL THE END OF THE NIGHT

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

BUTTS AND DUDES AND MEN
AND A DELIGHTFUL MAN NAMED KEN
TOOK A STROLL TO THE WAREHOUSE ONE
AND FUCKED THIS GUY NATE UP THE BUM!

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

Kid sledgehammers father to death for getting grounded, deserves it 100%

2010-04-18T00:44:00.002+10:00

People like this disgust me to the very core. Seriously here, Gamers. Lets have a huddle up. We need to talk about this.

A fourteen year old boy was just minding his own business, playing Unreal Tournament and fraggin' n00bs as us Gamers are typically doing, when his lame-o dad interrupted him and banned him from video games for playing for a week straight. What a dick! That is goddamn peanuts to us Gamers; he should really have some respect.

So, what did fourteen year-old Russian boy, who I will now call Thomas Storm, do about this? He sneaked into his parent's room at night and RUINED HIS SHIT WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER. Twice. Thomas did the right thing; serves the man right. No one, and I mean NO ONE, screws around with a Gamer's game time. That is our pride and joy, man. You can't just take that away from us hardcores. The kid is showing younger and unaware Gamers what to do if banned from video games by your totally bogus parents; kill them with a sledgehammer. It's the right thing to do.

And hey, look what he got! His mother was so proud of him she gave him the keyboard and mouse back so he could get back to playing. What a legend! Lets hope more mums learn from her Maybe one day they will be playing Gears of War like the rest of us!

I'm tired and drunk

2010-04-17T00:37:00.003+10:00

Oh jesus christ its ssider-man

WHaat the fuck are uyoi ever doing here spider-man hooly shit dude i mean fuck

Fuckin' spidderman. Look at you, ytyou motherfucker uou.

Don'yt look at me like that spider-man! fuck you spiderman gho get a desk job.

Kevyn's Fiktion Korner #2

2010-04-15T21:38:00.002+10:00

While looking through a little old exercise book I used for rpg notes, I found this. Bon appetit!

Following the descriptions scrawled across the lines of his almanac, Hemulos wandered through the littered streets of downtown Daggons in search of a prophet. Initially his directions seemed to imply some sort of epic journey, and although he had met "Many Challenges" (a nice man who pointed him towards the east end) and what he sought did, in fact, come after a "Long Trek" (some sort of camping shop) he did feel a bit disappointed. The note had more or less an exact address on it. Hemulos stood outside the door. It was not the tiny cottage hidden deep in the moors of Scotland he had imagined. A neon light flickered on directly above the door "XXX!" it exclaimed unabashedly.

"X marks the spot." thought Hemulos, and satisfied, he skipped down the steps towards a harshly lit office.

He stood in the middle of the room taking in his surroundings. The lemon paint peeling off the walls, the musty smell rising from the carpet, and the plastic potplants made him feel a bit nostalgic.

"Sir, the club is upstairs." Said a nasally, deep noise from behind him. Hemulos turned about to see a man pointing at the roof. Although he hadn't expected the prophet to be a middle aged turkish man with sparse amounts of bling, it did seem strangely fitting. Underneath the mans comb-over and moustache his teeth sparkled as he performed his most alluring smile.

"Er... no." explained Hemulos, "Prophecies?"

"Ah!" the man became animated. "You are my first customer in a long time! My name is Akmal, may I ask yours?"

"Hemulos, like the moon, apparently." He replied reluctantly.

"Hemulos moon! That is very special, you are chosen one. Do you know what that means?" there was a meaningful pause. "Chosen-one Discount!"

Journalist makes Pokemon character using dress-up flash thing, stop the fucking presses

2010-04-15T00:03:00.002+10:00

It has been reported on Kotaku that Mr. Brian Ashcraft, video game journalist extraordinaire, made a dress-up your own little Pokemon trainer of himself, and reported it on Kotaku. I guess because there was nothing better to post. The picture he made follows:

It shows Mr. Ashcraft in his normal environment, in the land of Pokemon, with his best friend the demented penguin. It seems Brian Ashcraft has also reported a picture he made of himself on a flash dress-up thing which is called "Make Your Own Cockface". That picture is also as follows.

Crogabond will look more into this matter, and e-mail Brian Ashcraft for an interview or perhaps his views on being a Pokemon trainer. If there is any other Pokemon Trainer Brian Ashcraft news to come out of the press, Crogabond will be sure to report it.

Former Infinity Ward guys form new company, start a clinic

2010-04-13T22:59:00.005+10:00

Former heads of Infinity Ward, Jason Action and Vince Punishment have decided to form their own company, Respawn Entertainment. They are very happy about this change, and say they will be making new and original games. Crogabond has gotten exclusive info on their first new game!

DON'T SHIT YOUR PANTS, KIDS! It's Call of War: Modern Fighting! You play a character named Pope McLavish, and you fight the Russian's cousins, the Brussians! in a near future situation! Pack your guns tight and your commandos closer in this fresh new take on the war genre!

Fufcvxj

2010-04-12T23:10:00.002+10:00

I have not prepared a news post today, so have some pictures I found on Google Images when I searched "take it".

These two robots are very sad about America!

BUTTS!

The tree wants to have a serious talk with you about this.

And then there were there. Were.

First Annual Kevyn Stott Award for the Outstanding Excellence of Achievement

2010-04-11T21:54:00.003+10:00

Yes, The Weekenders. More than just a show, a way of life. Many of us, in our weekends, have felt the same feelings as the characters of the weekenders. Many of us have gone to parties without clowns, many of us have done other things. But when it all comes down to it, in our lives, some of things we have done, we have done on weekends. I think that is what this show is here to tell us.

Slightly less stupidly, I actually really enjoy this show. After a recent nostalgia trip with Jace I discovered again, and unlike other shows which had lost their allure, The Weekenders still really holds strong as a show. At this point I expect I am slightly out of the target demographic, the show being about a bunch of 12 year olds. That is what makes it exceptionally outstanding, I still think it is a good show, I still think it is funny, and it can still teach me about life with it's obvious morals.
Anyway, if you haven't seen the show give it a look up on youtube. It has a good theme song, also.

LATER DAYS!

Sleep Is Death: Jace In Space

2010-04-10T20:40:00.004+10:00

A Delightful E-Mail

2010-04-09T21:44:00.002+10:00

Tonight Kevyn and I have been eagerly awaiting the download for the video game we purchased called Sleep Is Death, which should be coming any second now. About half an hour ago, I checked my e-mail, expecting Sleep Is Death, but what do I get but a wonderful e-mail from a top-sounding motherfucker named Graham! Here it is, in it's entirety:

Hi from Graham‏
From: Graham Solarzano (cuwmalt@arnet.com.ar)
Sent: Friday, 9 April 2010 10:50:38 AM
To: Jacevk (Jacevk@hotmail.com)

Pics=Of=Goddesses!_IMean~It .,
<..><,,><..><,,><..>
. . . . . . . .
underneath admiring by things .. In so sleeve? Or Frank's Male ! hprwuxyx
As brawls? Is a Philosophy waterproof ,.

And that is it. Words to live by, if you ask me. Which you wouldn't, but you know. Anyway, have a poem I wrote about the man, the legend, the Graham Solarzano.

Exciting French

2010-04-08T19:44:00.004+10:00

Click It

TAPtapTAPtapTAP -- Paralyzed by Bad Fugu Nigiri

2010-04-06T04:01:00.005+10:00

Some men like ponies. These men can accept their fate. Some men like discos. These men might have a harder time accepting their fate, but they have always known, deep inside their hearts. Their disco hearts.

Some men sing about Drunken Robot Pornography.

These men know what is going on. They strut the street like nobodies business, and are in your face like toxic waste. They are on this earth to show you, and only you, their true potential, and want to show you what they will become. They know where they are going, that's for certain.

But some dudes can't take it. They freak out. They crack. They take their sweaters and ironed pants, walk out the door, and leave Drunken Robot Pornography forever.

Not these men.

These men will shine. Shine.

P.S Dejobaan, your game totally worked it is fun to play. Can't wait 'till Musorqua!

Join the Dejobaan Chilling Out Broski's Fanclub here.

Ohshitohshitohshit

2010-04-05T23:54:00.002+10:00

I have about five more minutes until midnight, and I forgot about Crogabond. Have an improvised rap, by Jace Van Kaathoven.

Yo yo yo yippee yo yippee yay,
I'm a badass motherfucker and there is hell to pay,
Yo yo yo yippee yo yippee hee,
I'm a bad motherfucker and I need to pee!

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS!
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

I'm down in the back there staring
While you there just ain't caring
I went and saw the colostomy
And find out, oh man I needa pee

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

A man thats name is Joe
With a back-alley watered-down hoe,
He went into the library,
with his golden sparkly key,
I was gonna follow him there,
but oh fuck! I need to pee!

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

Indiana Cones and the Kingdom of the Honey Nougat Double-Swirl Suprise

2010-04-04T23:11:00.003+10:00

When we last saw Indiana Cones on screen, it was 1938, and the world stood on the brink of war as Dr. Cones chased down evildoers to find the Holy Banana Sundae. Nineteen years later, he’s cracking his licorice whip again, and many things have changed ... but some have remained the same, namely the fact that he is a humble ice cream salesman. Again, the world is at a precipice, this time caused by the specter of Gelati, and Indy’s struggle is once again to ensure that a precious, mysterious object remains safe from those bent on destroying humanity (Spoiler: the object has something to do with ice cream). Watch out, Shia LaBeouf! Action awaits in this nuclear-fridge styled family romp!

Jesus Hates Videogames; We're All Fucked

2010-04-03T22:31:00.002+11:00

It has recently been discovered that the one and only, except God, Jesus Christ, hates the past time of video games. Video game journalist website Kotaku took the time out of their busy schedule of looking at Portal cakes some bloke made because it was his birthday to interview the man himself about the matter.

"What? Video games?" Jesus began, an arrogant smile on his face. "Fuck 'em. Worst use of space on this dime o' dozen planet since other religions.

"Like, shit, right? You see Buddha? Do you see that motherfucker? That motherfucker. Look at him. Fat shit wants to trample on my court. Look at his earlobes, there." At this point Mr. Christ fingered around his earlobes. "Like this, except faggin' HUGE! They are big. He had it comin'. What? What. Fuck you." At this point Jesus left the scene and Kotaku shit their pants and reported it on their website, using their "hilarious" censorship fish over the word "Jesus" and "Buddha" just in case anyone comes across Kotaku that is ignorant and offended of culture (i.e. everyone on the website). We have looked into the issue, and will report back soon.

CROGACITEMENT!!!1!

2010-04-02T20:40:00.014+11:00

Does your bellybutton hurt from the pressure?! Me neither, because it's time for Crogacitement!!!1! Here are some things Crogacitement will include:
* Terrible writing, every day!
* Hilarious antics! Expect Kevyn and me chasing each other around a grocery store.
* Entertaining musics and veedios!
* Underlying secrets revealed(?)
* Lying apricots
* TANKS!
* Interesting moral decisions! YOU choose if the people die!
* Melancholy Kevyn! Depressing stories from the deep.
* Attacks from German gentlemen!
* Tackling midgets that are minding their business in the park!
* E. Oh? Nothing. I just think E is a pretty cool letter.
* B. Oh, sorry. Just thinking of things that rhyme with "E".
* Ruckus-starting! Excitable Kevyn causing a ruckus in public places, maybe in the future!
* Obvious anagrams.
* Sexy audio styling of our favourite jazz-vocal stylist, Bo Jangles!!

Oh, Bo Jangles! Bo Jangles!

The Ballad of Geoff the Robot

2010-04-01T21:23:00.002+11:00

Children, we have a special gift for you today. Something that I have been working on for a few days, to make sure I had a version that didn't kill you. It is the tale of our good friend, the mild mannered and pleasant: Geoff the Robot Butler. You are guaranteed to love the journey Geoff takes, from his humble butler roots, to his final job as a butler. It truly is a success story of the way we live today. Anyhow, let not my words muffle the pure word of song; here it is.

You may remember Geoff from his earlier appearances on the Crogabond experience;
Here we find the original poem that served as the basis for the lyrics to the song,
and here a comic, displaying some of the everyday life of Geoff. He sure is everybody's favourite metal pal!

50 YEARS OF CROGABOND!

2010-03-31T23:27:00.005+11:00

Whew! What a while! Today, this post is when Crogabond.blogspot.com turned FIFTY YEARS OLD! Yes! Remember all those happy memories? Good times! This also marks the occasion that announces Crogabond is the oldest website ever! Thanks to you guys, we have made it this far! Thankyou! We truly love you! So much! Oh, SO MUCH!

On this special occasion , I will now invite Bo Jangles to the stage, our singing Jazz man, to do singing jazz.

Good show, Bo Jangles! Good show!

Writing more posts and flirting with the math teacher

2010-03-30T20:43:00.004+11:00

We are back with our manhood in tact! Almost! We will be trying to post everyday from now on, trying be the key word there. We may not last long, but hey! We might as well try. Videogame journalists have said about our comeback "It is like a Geodude, except now it isn't a Geodude because it has grown legs", "Almost as good as masturbating at a Zoda's Revenge sprite done in crops in FarmVille" and "For our frothing demand".

Kevyn and I have opened up shop again because big things are coming up, Crogafans. Big things. If you live here, tell your friends! Show them this website, and tell them about how much we rule! Go!

Puff the Magic bluurubrbrrlr

2010-03-29T18:21:00.002+11:00

Wow, are you guys in luck! 2 updates in as many days!? I think we might be spoiling you, but that is alright, when the content is THIS GOOD. That's right kids, Jace found it within himself to let us hear one of his specialties; singing while drinking milk. When he told me that he was to embark on such an endeavor, I said that only one song would do; Puff the Magic Dragon. Now you may listen yourself as Jace struggles for breath and spills milk everywhere, whilst singing a most haunting refrain of "Puff the Magic Dragon". Enjoy.

Starleaps and bounds.

2010-03-28T22:15:00.002+11:00

Hello Crogafans! You have probably been wondering what we have been up to. The answer is FITNESS. The company made a merger with Pataku Co., and now a strict training regimen is part of our everyday. To ourselves get through it, we have painstakingly constructed these musical training songs, to keep us to the beat, and thus make it through the day without being kicked in the face by the right Honorable Mr. Pataku. Prepare yourselfs, you might just find yourselves doing some starjumps.

The Tale of Agent Fourty-Kevyn, Hitman

2010-03-08T19:13:00.002+11:00

Today was my first day being a hitman! I was ordered to go inside this mans rather large mansion and kill him. I was eager to impress my boss, so I thought I would do it sneakily. When I reached the property, I saw the delivery man in his truck, taking in the groceries. Ii had the perfect plan. Taking the place of the delivery man would allow me free access to the inside of the mansion! Genius! I waited just out side the door for the deliveryman to come out. When he eventually emerged he stood and looked at me for a bit, before going to pick up another bag of groceries. This was my chance! I casually walked up behind him with my fiber wire, but somehow he saw me! I tried to snag him on my wire a few times, but he was already running for his delivery truck. I didn't want him to drive off, so I got out a couple of pistols, and shot at his van. Unfortunately for him, I had pulled the clever tactics, and he would have to turn around in order to get out the gate again. I held my ground and shot at his windscreen, he must have had some bullet proof glass or something, because usually delivery trucks aren't that tough. Anyway, he ran straight into me and shattered both my kneecaps. I didn't even get in the gate surrounding the house of the guy I was supposed to be killing! Oh well. Better luck next time!

Jace Reviews Tittins Qeest

2010-02-21T18:11:00.005+11:00

Jace Reviews Mincecraft

2010-02-21T03:08:00.005+11:00

A HEARTFELT VALENTINES DELIGHT

2010-02-13T18:17:00.003+11:00

Hello, lovely readers. I am here today to celebrate the wonderful Valentines day. I wish all lovely things on your family. I wish to spread them across their slippery shoulders and caress it down their chest with my index finger and then circle their bellybutton.

Here is a poem.

VALENTINES DAY - By Jace Van Kaathoven
Poo, bum, fuck, farts,
Valentines day is full of hearts.
Dick, shit, piss and wee,
I hope your valentine is me!

Happy Valerties from everyone here in Crogabond! Don't let any fat men rape you!

The Excellent Fishing Tale

2010-02-10T15:33:00.004+11:00

On a fine midsummer’s eve, I was with my old fishing pal Shiddlecart Lamingtons and we were fishing for a variety of fish. Or so we thought.
“Aye,” Shiddlecart interrupted the long silence of purgatory that was fishing. “There be none o’ these fishies around.” I answered with a fisher’s grunt, shrugged my shoulders, and pressed my hat harder onto my cranium.

After two days of eating bits of our lovely boat, The S.S Boat, for survival, we saw small bubbles coming from the water. We both gasped in surprise, followed by a fisherman’s congratulatory high-five. Which is really more like a brisk handshake, but we call it a high-five none the less.
The bubbling continued ripples of water following quickly across the bubbles roamed. They gradually became closer and more audible. In one swift flick of the rod, I lifted up our anonymous little catch and screamed. It was a gigantic squid.
There were rumours about this catch. In the fisherman’s bar Lamingtons and I frequent, The S.S Fisherman’s Bar, all the fishermen talked about it. They called it Squiddlesby. It is a dang huge squid, about the size of me, if I was one thousand feet tall. Which I am not. So, I guess it is not the size of me. It is all a shade of purple, all except the tentacles, which are all a shade of green. And here it was, about to eat me, Shiddlecart and the S.S Boat. We sure were in a pickle.

At this point, most people would either choose one of three options. Number one being: Die. This option is not extremely difficult; you just get Squiddlesby over there to do all the work. It may hurt a bit though.
Number two, maybe the wisest of the bunch, is to run away. Although this would be very hard with a giant squid a bit too uncomfortably close to you, but hey, you never know. Maybe you will get picked up by a sea astronaut. And then he might take you to the beach and go windsurfing.

But probably not.

The third option is one of the offensive assault type, and the idea is to attack the aforementioned giant squid. This is, of course, impossible, but you could give it a shot. The only thing on the line is your life.
All these three options are what people usually conform into doing, really. It might be that they have no choice, but all the fishermen would choose to do either one of these three. I decided to do something never tried before, do something different. I decided to try communicating with Squiddlesby.

“Um. Hello there!” I shouted at the squid. “How are you on this fine evening?” The squid replied by spewing mucus at me.
“Oh. Well, eheh, I don’t think you are a bad squid, by any means. You look like a nice dude, really!” Squiddlesby replied with a questioning sound.
“Okay, let me be honest with you.” Lamingtons was looking at me in wonder and awe. “We don’t want to hurt you. In fact, why don’t we be friends?” The squid looked at me delightfully, and grabbed the boat and placed us on his head. Shiddlecart and I looked at each other happily as Squiddlesby swam us back to shore.

To make a long story short, Squiddlesby took us back to the beach where there was, coincidentally, Sea Astronauts. We all shared high-fives, went windsurfing and drunk milkshakes.

ENDE.

Alfalfa and Shoe: Here Is A Second Chapter, Right Here

2010-01-26T23:44:00.005+11:00

Alfalfa kept with the light talk with Shoe as they dragged on through the desert. Oh, Shoe's talking again.
"I think I can see a thing."
"What?"
"I... I can see a thing. Over there."
"How?"
"What?"
"Ho-you know what?"
"Wh-"
"No."
"Alright."
"Alright?"
"Okay then."
"Alright."
"I can see a thing."
"I can see it too."
They looked over the mound of sand and saw a gigantic civilization. The biggest Alfalfa had ever seen, and maybe never see again, depending on how many cities he sees that span across what looked like the whole world. Alfalfa has only seen a handful of cities, but decided that this was earth. Alfalfa was wrong. While everything located in this city is much like what is located in cities on the planet Earth, there are some very critical differences between the people of Earth and the people of Grondon. The difference which we will discover soon.

Alfalfa slowly held up his right hand and looked at it for several moments. He then waved it across his eyes a couple of times. He then did this with his left hand.
"How's it going, Alfie?" Shoe looked up confusingly at Alfalfa, or as confusingly as a shoe can look up at someone. "What are you doing?"
Alfalfa dropped his left arm and shrugged. "I don't know. C'mon, lets get going."
Shoe tried to mimic Alfalfa's hand movements. For reasons sadly obvious, he could not.

At a closer look, the city was fabulous. Buildings sprung up as high as the eye could look, water fountains gracefully spitting water at nearby civilians. It also looked as if a foreign parade was afoot, as there were people in dragon suits running about the streets and Asian music playing to their moves. Everything was regular in this sprawling city and Alfalfa could not be more delighted. He sprang forward very quickly, so excited his feet didn't even realize it had a heavy ball and chain attached to it, and drank as much water as his body could withstand from the fountain.

After thirty seconds of the happiest drinking ever, Alfalfa realized the whole town had become silent. He slowly raised his head to his left, and everyone was staring agape at him. A baby that was previously crying slowly stopped and looked directly at his feet.

He tried to say "What's wrong?" but instead he blurted out a mouthful of water onto the concrete. The baby started crying again. Three police officers pushed their way through the crowd. Alfalfa looked at their feet, and noticed that they were all shuffling and scraping their shoes across the ground. Alfalfa realized that everyone in the town was doing this.

Two of the officers stopped in front of Alfalfa and the third went behind him and handcuffed him. The officer on the right of Alfalfa was looking disgusted at Alfalfa's feet. "Son," the officer on the left talked in a formal but unnerved voice, as if to say 'Everything is under control but my sanity might not be'. "We are placing you under arrest for usage of suspicious black magic." Alfalfa breathed in to scream in outrage, but the cops pushed him over before he could begin, and Alfalfa was out cold. The last things Alfalfa remembered were the cops dragging him on the ground by his handcuffs, the horrified yelling of "They're back! Forget this kid, run!" from one of the cop's voices, and thousands of screaming, footsteps and then doors shutting.

In Alfalfa's subconscious, he could hear cawing.

In Which I Die Horribly In Dungeon Crawlers, Episode One

2010-01-11T03:12:00.006+11:00

Dungeon Crawlers; a guilty pleasure of mine. I usually have no clue how to play them properly, and I die a whole bunch. [Fun Fact from Kevyn: Every time I play Nethack my character dies of food poisoning. EVERY TIME.]

I think they are fun though. A unique thing about most dungeon crawlers is that when you die, you ain't coming back. You're toast. While this may seem frustrating, it is actually fun to see how horribly or how cool your character can die. I have been playing a game called Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup that I quite like, which you can play here. I have decided to write down all the note-worthy deaths I have had in the game. Here goes!

Cargoschrub the Kenko smugly (well, as smug as a thing with a beak could get) walked down the long corridor, hefting his axe up and down in time with his walking pace. He was having no trouble making it through these dungeons. He slaughtered anything that happened to be a thing, and felt pretty good about himself flying and dodging over any traps that get in his way. He also found a cool amulet. Amulets are cool.

These are very good reasons for him to be smug, but he is feeling very good about himself for scaring the wits out of a poor little Goblin horde that was going to attempt to horribly kill Cargoschrub. They had a very swift and decided change of plans when they charged into the room to ambush him and saw that he was pulling the spine out of a fellow Goblinite's leg and eating it. Cargoschrub stopped in politeness and walked over to greet the Goblins with an axe to the dick, but the whole horde scattered in fear to any hiding place they could salvage. Although Cargoschrub did not get the chance to annihilate any of them, he was delighted to witness a Goblin stumble right into a bear trap it probably set down. Dumb shits.

Cargoschrub peered down the dark corridor and spotted a quaint blue wizard, unmoving in the next room. Cargoschrub was awfully confident though, and thundered towards the cloaked man. The wizard chuckled, and just as Cargoschrub blindly swung his axe in the man's direction, he vanished. There was a silence, and the bird-man scratched his head. "What the fuAUUUUGHH!" An inexplicable object crashed into the back of his head, and he toppled forwards. Cargoschrub quickly steadied and looked carefully around the room. Nothing. Silence. He stood still for a moment, and slowly tiptoed around to see if anything queer was still around. He supposed the wizard threw something to distract him and then ran off. Cargoschrub started to walk into another narrow corridor.

Just as he thought he was completely safe, many projectiles, fireballs he thought, bombarded him from all over. Battered and bruised, he started to run, and made it to the end of the corridor. The fireballs had stopped. Cargoschrub put his back against the wall and made a deep sigh of relief, which he could not completely finish thanks to the sword that quickly shot straight through his gut and out the other side. The wizards hands and his long sword had shot straight out of the wall. The last things that Cargoschrub remembered is the wizards loud chucking, and a realization.

The wizard is the dungeon.

Hullo!

2010-01-09T13:51:00.020+11:00

HELLO! HEY! HI! Here I am! On this camera! Right here!

I decided that, hey, you are reading my shit, so why not SEE me write the thing you are reading. Since I am the dizziggity diggity dog, homes, I'll try it! I will get right to it!

Hmm... Um. Give me a few minutes. Let me... just...

What the hell is that?

AAAUGHGHGHHH FUCK FUCK SHIT FUVCJMCKMVCJCCC FUV FVVF

hreeeee ,na flkmvc j nmv

Ow... shit. God.

What... what the fuck was that?

Peter Wong from Hong Kong

2010-01-05T22:27:00.003+11:00

Once upon a time I received an e-mail from a lovely Peter Wong:

"Subject: Good day
Good day
I am Mr.Peter Wong,from Hong Kong.I have a deceased client funds in my bank i need you to front as beneficiary,If
interested contact me for more information via: jpeterwong4@yahoo.com.hk
Sincerely
Mr. Peter."

As you can see, he signs with his first name there. But that's just how they do it in Hong Kong.
Naturally I wasn't very interested in his offer, but it would be rude to just send him away. I quickly wrote back:

"Good day to you to.

I am Mrs Pew Cork, from New York. I am delighted to meet you, and wonder if you would care to come over some time, so we can play a game of Uno with my friends Wayne from Spain and Lamnam Chrisco from San Fransisco. Looking forward to talking to you in the future.

Sincerely Mrs Pew."

Unfortunately I never received a reply. Perhaps Mr. Peter Wong (from Hong Kong) didn't think I was being entirely sincere. I suppose some people just won't take up offers from strange e-mail addresses. It's a shame, really.

Alfalfa and Shoe: This Is The First Chapter

2010-01-03T19:27:00.003+11:00

Epilogue

“Oh man.” Sighed Alfalfa. It had been a long day. First off, he was in a desert. So, you know, that sucks. Second, he was attached to a god damn ball and chain, and proceeding to walk through a whole desert with it clamped onto his ankle.
And thirdly, he was chatting with a loud-mouthed shoe. Whose name is, remarkably, Shoe. Things are not super great for Alfalfa.

Shoe continued to hop across the desert with Alfalfa. “You know what this place needs?”
“Leather?”
“No.”
There was a silence. Alfalfa spoke. “What does this place need, then?” Alfalfa muttered “Christ.” under his breath.
“I was just thinking, you know, water? This place could use some water.” Shoe thought for a moment. “To keep us alive.”
“I don’t really think the desert cares if you are in need with a beverage, even if you weren’t a, uh. A shoe.”
“Maybe.”
As they walked, they could faintly see how far the desert goes. From what they could see, it isn’t ending anytime soon. Or later. Alfalfa cursed.
Shoe shuffled around a bit. “The desert is mean, man.”
Alfalfa kept looking at the distance they must travel. “I know, little buddy.”

Chapter One
Jeeves stared hard at the giant skyscraper before him. He dared not go in after that poor young man that entered the tower several hours before. All anyone knows about the tower is a) Doctor Quinks made it, and b) Doctor Quinks is a loony, and hardly anyone took part in or interfered in any of his strange experiments, like that boy just did. The Doctor told the kid to go into the building for a test, and Quinks said he would be greatly awarded. So, of course the boy did. The boy, who the authorities have called ‘Alfalfa’ has not come out. Police didn’t dare go in there, and are calling him a lost cause. Inspector Jeeves wanted to know more about this building and wanted to know what this building does and what it did to this Alfalfa kid. Jeeves backed away from the building and headed to Doctor Quinks’ laboratory.

Quinks laughed manically to himself. He was panicking just a while before, but luckily he had just discovered a way to get the lad out of that Gateway Building he had made. It would be completely safe, and no one, including Alfalfa, would get hurt. It is too bad that in the next paragraph, Jeeves will come crashing into the Doctor’s laboratory and interrogate him about the Gateway by smashing Doctor Quinks’ interstellar teleporter with an old pipe he found on Endings Street. But, it is a good thing Doctor Quinks is savoring his creation while it lasts, and should be pleased that things have been going well until now.

Jeeves kicked Doctor Quinks’ door down, and with a rusty pipe he found on Endings Street, interrogated the Doctor about the strange building. Of course, Quinks could not tell him anything. Jeeves threatened Quinks by saying that he will smash this device in front of him. Quinks could not tell him anything. Jeeves started to smash the machine, and would continue until Quinks would tell him something. But Quinks, of course, could not tell him anything. Although, Quinks could, in fact, tell him that Jeeves just destroyed the one machine that could bring Alfalfa safely back to Earth, and reality itself. And Quinks did tell him.
“Aw, nuts.”
“So now I have to find another way to save the lad. Thanks. You jerk.”
“Why didn’t you tell me in the first place? I mea-“
“You didn’t ask.”
They stood silently for a moment.
“Can you make anothe-“
“No. Cost me thousands of dollars to make that teleporter you just smashed.”
“So I guess we will have to find another way to get him out of there. You have any other ideas?”
“Well I did, until you broke it.”
“Well, there has to be another gadget in here that will-“
“Nope.”
“Anything?”
“Nope.” He thought for a second. “Well, I have a rope. I guess.”
“That doesn’t count.”
“Oh, okay. Then nope.”
Jeeves slapped his forehead. This is going to be an awfully long day.

A Legitimate Business

2009-12-30T21:59:00.008+11:00

We here at Crogabond are people that you may not expect as businessmen. Hell, some people may even think of us as some little bastards that live in their rooms and think farts are funny (Aha! Farts)! But no, we are actual business men and get paid a jillion dollars a milisecond for breathing, and a krillion dollars for every syllable we write in this fine blog-establishment.

We are not merely kids that have nothing better to do. Here is a picture of me, the CEO of this fine corporation:

This is me, wearing business goggles, obviously showing that I am a business man. I am agape here because they show you the future, where Harrison Ford is made of jelly, music is made of caramel and Kevyn and I are sitting on a couch surrounded and up to our hips with rats, bats and batrats, and we are both screaming about how lovely John Romero's breasts are.

Not enough proof? I have one of these business things on my desk, too:

This shows that I am mature and I am first class and top of the line in the business world. Sometimes I find it a quite useless trophy, as I have many trophies given to me by the gods of good will and business legitimacy, so I just use it as a sandwich-holder.

There is also jam on that top sandwich, and jam is a show of legitimacy. So you should think twice before you be getting that disgusting peanut butter shit on your sandwich.

So, getting to the point, since we are a legitimate business and all, I therefore call upon you to line up and give as as much caramel as you can get your working class hands on. In the near future, Kevyn and I are moving to Mexico and going to make it big as professional musicians and then I will become Caramelorka, lord of the late night caramel blues.

Games I enjoy that weren't already mentioned

2009-12-26T17:56:00.005+11:00

Because some of those mentioned provided great entertainment for me, especially how hilariously racist Punch-Out seems to be. Some games that I played during the course of this year that did not cause me internal hemorrhaging are as follows.

(Jace here. For Kevyn, the games didn't have to come out this year for him to play them, so don't complain to us saying that some of these games weren't released this year. Get fucked.)

10. Indiana Jones and The Staff of Kings.
Namely it's co-op mode, which allows skilled people such as myself to breeze through it with a competent buddy in an hour, and creatures like Jace to cause the game to freeze because it is sick of these kids being stuck on the tank driving part for 3 hours.

9. Meteos.
Played it, enjoyed it for a bit. It takes a basic puzzle game and wraps it up with so many delightful variations. I wish they would do the same deal with Tetris, which I have taken under my wing, next to my heart, and close to my balls.

8. Half-Life 2.
I finally finished it not so long ago, after getting halfway through on another computer and my ps3. Super-powered Gravity Gun is the best present ever.

7.Left 4 Dead.
Was convinced to get it at a bargain price. It's more fun when playing it with friends, and now I have a microphone so that should be even more fun. If I try to play it with foreign peoples, I miss the first half of the level because it is loading, while all the people that are actually playing have a good time shooting dem zombies.

6.Evil Genius.
Got this only the other day. It's only $2 on steam, or near enough. It makes all the things that evil geniuses do make sense. The game makes you want to do what James Bond villains do, as it should. It's kind of the opposite of Freedom Force in many respects, namely that it is good. (Freedom Force is a great game; Kevyn sucks.)

5.Final Fantasy VII
I bought it off o' dem play-stay-shun networks. I like me some Final Fantasy, the first contact I had with it was through Kingdom Hearts. For I am BUT A CHILD.

4.Beatles Rockband
Satisfying to play, and to sing along to. I always thought I would never understand the whole Guitar Hero thing until I could play "Guitar Hero: They Might Be Giants" with an accordion controller. This is best at the moment.

3.InFamous
Made by Sucker Punch, who did Sly Cooper, a game which I loved to it's little bitsies. I Was kind of disappointed at how gritty this new venture seemed to be, but it plays well, if ridiculously implausible at times.

2.Brutal Legend
It's short, but it is just fun to play. Imagine if Grand Theft Auto was fun (Grand Theft Auto is a great game; Kevyn sucks.). Then it could be this game. You just drive around in this pretty world filled with all these great characters. Also, summoning a burning zeppelin.

1.Let's Kevyn: Kevyn of the year edition
Of course it comes as no surprise that Let's Kevyn reigns in the number one spot. Everyone is playing it, everyone is talking about it. It is getting perfect scores from sites all over the place, and this one is no exception. I also happen to be the absolute best player of it. Let's Kevyn continues to be the best selling game ever, and is slated to become a blockbuster hit in Hollywood by next year. (Here Kevyn means the videogame "Lets Tap!" which is on the Nintendo Wii. It's shit.)

Some stuff

2009-12-26T15:43:00.012+11:00

Happy box your shit day! Other websites may stop at the holiday season to be with their family, but Crogabond told us that families are for whiny pussy-breaths. Of course, we didn't believe him, but then he killed us. So that sucks.

Anyway, I updated the website in a couple of ways you won't notice. I just changed the timezones for our posts to our actual time we post it (Melbourne and Sydney time), and some other little things.

I'll be going back down to Melbourne to stay with Kevyn for a couple of weeks soon, so expect some more exciting content then. It will be exciting, let me tell you. The tags hold some mysterious clues.

Also, I won't be doing a big top games of 2009 mega-thing. Sorry. I actually wrote ALL OF IT out, but then I thought to myself. "This isn't what Crogabond is about!" I pondered, hastening the pace as my hand stroked my hard cock. "Crogabond isn't about lists! EAAARGHH!" At that point I came and passed out for four hours. So I decided I didn't want to do it. HOWEVER, I will now write what my top games are, just if you are curious, and next to them write down why they are.

This was really tough for me, and my opinions may not reflect yours, as shit as they are. This goes in descending order.

10. Mario & Luigi Bowser's Inside Story - Another quirky adventure in the RPG series. Maybe ran on for a bit long, but it is so quirky that I could not not give it a place.
9. Borderlands - Fun multiplayer game with a trillion guns to play with. Maybe got a bit stale for me, but it was great while it lasted.
8. MadWorld - Super-fucking-bloody-oh-my-god-my-eyes game that was just fun and satisfying to play. Throwing a dude into a shredder with a signpost through his head never felt so good. The commentators are fantastic too.
7. Punch-Out!! - Maybe playing through this with Kevyn gave it more of an effect for me. Quirky, funny characters and nostalgic gameplay make this one. If you can't beat a guy, you can practice against a hologram version to master his moves, so the next time you face him you'll come out on top. It is one of the most gratifying things ever.
6. AaaaaAAaaaAAAaaAAAAaAAAAA!!! - A Reckless Disregard for Gravity - Game I didn't expect to like so much. It has an internet, meme-ish style of humor that you don't see in other games. The next Peggle or Bejeweled for me, I just play it all the dang time.
5. Torchlight - This is the game I have played the most this year. A dungeon crawler, it just feels like a casual thing to play. You jump in, kill some monsters, get some gold, maybe level up, and jump out. If only it was that simple.
4. Left 4 Dead 2 - Everything a sequel should be. More guns, more gore, more levels, and the nice addition of melee weapons and some new items.
3. Time Gentlemen, Please! - One of the best adventure games I've ever played. The puzzles are fun and can be challenging, but not challenging enough to offend your grandma. The humor hits me in just the right spot and sometimes makes me laugh until I can't breath no mores.
2. New Super Mario Brothers Wii - When I first played this, I found it horrible. Nothing new to the Mario series, except co-op. And then I realized that really is the point of the game. Mario Wii doesn't try to do anything new or innovative, but it delivers on what is advertised: It is a Mario game that you can play with three other people. And I wouldn't want anything more.
1. Batman Arhkam Asylum - This came as a late edition, only bought this a few weeks ago, but it is a fantastic game. It is fun to be stealthy and take out your enemies one by one, until there is one poor little bastard left scared shitless, it is fun to take out a gang of enemies with Batman's martial arts, and it is just fun to move Batman around. The villains of the game are interesting and cool, and whatever Batman does in the game looks bad-ass. This is not a game you want to miss.

So, yeah! You might hate my decisions but, well, fuck you. Those are just mine and I'm sticking to them. If I talk to Kevyn and ask him what his favorite games are, I might put them up here too. But we'll see!

Jingle Bells

2009-12-25T21:00:00.001+11:00

Click, please.

(if you need more explanation, hereyee.)

Space Scaries

2009-12-18T23:23:00.000+11:00

Lookit me! I gone done one of these newfangley ill-us-tray-shuns. I expect this is what future stuff will be like, we will just have to see that I am up to the task, and hone my skills.
Comic coming before Christmas. Hold on to your baby makers.

CROGCAST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!!

2009-12-10T19:58:00.000+11:00

Woo! I made another one! Half-an-hour of fun! It is a bit better than the last one. Have a look! I think I did a pretty swell job, being a very, awfully big rookie.

LEEENKS
Ben Hutchings
Something Awful Christmas Album

Just realised there is now another Christmas Album of Awful in that there SA thread! I am gonna give it a download, you should download that one too I guess.

Enjoy!

Crogcast Episode 0

2009-12-06T18:40:00.000+11:00

Hello! I got a microphone and some audio equipment and decided to test the thing that me and Kevyn have been planning. It is kind of shit, but listen to it anyway to make me feel better. Click here, britches!

EDIT: Forgot to mention, the end song is the Final Battle Castlevania song made by XOC, which is also in The Beginning Of The End album he has.

Why we haven't posted (and we are going to)

2009-12-04T21:31:00.000+11:00

Hello. Kevyn and I have not posted in some time! This is because some things have been happening. December and January should be busy months for us, though! Some reasons:

1. Kevyn has been on camp, and almost drowned.
2. I got a little jobbie-dealie as a tester for Dejobaan Games.
3. We are both awfully lazy.

Here are things that will happen:
1. Jace's (and maybe Kevyn's) best and worst games of 2009
2. A very Crogabond Christmas

So look forward to it, I guess!

The Man and The Dude: Bees

2009-11-08T17:53:00.000+11:00

I am here at this even tonight to present "The Man and The Dude"! "The Man and The Dude" is very excited for this event, and it is what you, and all of the world, have been waiting for. "The Man and The Dude" have presented many great hip-hop hits as "Phat Beats and Fat Peeps" and "Shoot a fuck, wait I meant fuck. Wait, no, duck. Duck". "The Man and The Dude" is proud and happy to be here and everyone is satisfied and happy to see "The Man and The Dude"! So, I am very proud to present "The Man and The Dude" in surprise concert! Hopefully "The Man and The Dude"'s surprise will be "APRISED"! "The Man and The Dude", everyone!

Click for big, people! Click for big!!

KER-AZY Doctor Steinman

2009-10-28T20:03:00.000+11:00

Everyone's favorite, the ever lovable, Doctor "He promised me pretty" Steinman!
Ah, Doctor. You may be dead in our video games, but you are alive in our hearts.

Small Worlds

2009-10-24T18:32:00.000+11:00

Short post, I would just like to bring this to everyone's attention. It is purely just a fantastic thing (game wouldn't really be a good word to describe it) that is about the wonder and joy of exploration. The less I say about the better, so go try it. Now.

Also, short update, I think I will continue the Dog-Fighter story. I have a few good ideas in my head for it, but I would like to write some different things before I do.

OFFICIAL CROGABOND CONFERENCE DAY#3

2009-10-18T17:39:00.000+11:00

On this, the third day of the Official Crogabond Conference, a lot of progress is being made. Due to the amazing public speaking skills of our president, one by the name of Kaatridge (or Big Boss, to those of us genetically engineered soldiers with reptile themed code names) we have managed to secure a very big and extremely profitable deal. Report is as follows.
(Clicking for biggin (by which I mean huge))

OFFICIAL CROGABOND CONFERENCE.

2009-10-16T19:05:00.000+11:00

The first day of the Official Crogabond Conference is underway, the Conference where we decide where the company is going, and what actions to make to keep our shareholders happy.
As ever it is our job to keep you up to date with the negotiations as they progress, thus here is a report on the first day of Official Discussions.
(Clicky for biggy)

Dog-Fighter: The Shotgun That Stole But Failed

2009-10-14T21:27:00.000+11:00

Zebazutabutita stared Drog down, to which the Mutt replied with a stern growl. They stood several meters away from each other, and stared, both waiting to pounce. I suppose a Dog against a Shotgun is not the fairest of fights. The dog was shaking, intimidated by the large Shotgun, but then summoned the courage to dodge to the lef-BANG. Drog missed the shotgun bullets by a hair. The canine-wonder front-flipped in the air, towards the so-called "Dog-Fighter", stretched out it's front legs, and prayed.

It wasn't always this way. Before, Shotguns lived peacefully with Dogs, and knew each other well, as their continents were right next to each other. What caused this rivalry was Zebazutabutita, also known as "Dog-Fighter". He worked as an underground bounty-hunter, for the Pisstail alliance, a group of assassins that fucking hate the Dogs. Zebazutabutita is not part of this alliance, but he works for them for the cash and the women. He does not get a lot of cocking, you see.

Zebazutabutita has been doing such for years, to which the Dogs have been blaming the Shotguns for murdering their people, which has caused both continents of the country of Hebula to hate each other. Drog is here to fix this shit up.
Drog is a freedom fighter, and the only one in Hebula. He is trying to uncover what actually caused this hatred. After some serious adventures, he has found out that only one Shotgun, "Dog-Fighter" started this, but no one believed him. Now, he is determined to uncover the truth of what actually started all this controversy, while maybe finding some other team mates along the way.

Drog pounced the the barrel of the evil Shotgun, but got shaken off. A split second before Zebazutabutita shot again, Drog did the unthinkable; he did what no other Dog had the guts to do.
He bitch-slapped Dog-Hunter.

Zebazutabutita staggered backwards, and felt his barrel.
"You dented it, you motherfucker!" he screamed. "You fucking dented my barrel!"
Zebazutabutita steaded himself, and went into a battle stance.

"Oh, fuck, it's on now."

Crogabond Surprizes.

2009-10-07T16:39:00.000+11:00

At some point in the near future, good natured man Wayne will receive a very special prize via none other than the Australian Postal Service.
This includes:

The original "Geoff the robot with tourettes" comic, with added notes by Kaatridge, which he may one day be able to sell for a bag of chips or something, after convincing a drunk and incredibly gullible man that it is some variety of treasure map.
Baldur's Gate as supplied by Kaatridge, and which I know too little to make jokes about.
The extra special limited edition Crogabond bonus disc "Songs To Awkwardly Fuck Your Own Mother To" filled with songs by mostly me and with invigorating titles by Kaatridge, our lucky Wayne will soon be dancing to the likes of "Hairy Damn Legs (Short Short Problems)" and "All Chris Tuckered Out (How About You?)" I believe the title of the album contains more swearing than there is on the disc, to your dismay or delight.
Also just some padding. It was paper and it had peoples faces on it, but is unrelated.

Wayne won all these wonderful things just by telling us he exists! If you exist, why not tell us so! You may not get this wonderful prize, but services towards the Crogabond may see you being sent the delightful "Songs To Awkwardly Fuck Your Own Mother To" disc, which is sure to have you grooving all night long.
Leave a comment and e-mail Legoisgod@gmail.com with any questions for the Crogabond or declarations of existance. Maybe Wayne will drop us a line sometime when he receives his package! Wouldn't that be nice!

Fun Fact: At $7.20, the postage for Wayne's prize actually cost infinitely more than this website has ever made! Kaatridge tells me one day we might be earning CENTS.

CENTS I TELL YOU.

Thank goodness, because if he cuts my pay anymore I will have to give him money to do my job.

Crogablomics #1

2009-09-21T22:02:00.000+10:00

When life gives you hats, you make hard choices.

Spy sappin' mah... something. Something funny.

2009-09-21T15:33:00.000+10:00

Once upon a place called Wicked Witch Software a lad did some work experience. There really wasn't any work for him to do, lacking any skills necessary to contribute to any projects.
Seemed as good a time as any to teach himself 3dsmax, because he had never done any 3D modeling stuff before.

Had a bit of some stuff to show after his 5 days there. Guys believed he had talent.
They paid him $50, which he used to buy The Beatles : rockband. Because it is cool.

Spiral Men

2009-09-19T20:04:00.000+10:00

The spiraling shape will make you go insane
(Everyone wants to see that groovy thing)
But everyone wants to see that groovy thing
(Everyone wants to see that thing)
And nobody knows what it's really like
But everyone says it's great
And they heard it from the spiral in their eyes

I woke up this morning, crawled out of bed, made a cup of coffee, read the paper and then went to the bathroom to shave. And then I dropped my coffee.
I blinked. At the time, I thought I saw something around my eyelid. I blinked again. I stayed up late doing work that night, and I guessed it was just my crows' feet moving a little bit. And I was right, but not entirely accurate.

My crows' feet were actually playing dead.

It was Saturday, a day off. So, naturally, I spent my day slouching around watching the television. My weekends were usually like this. Uneventful. Sometimes I would get a call from a mate to go to the pub, but most of the time I dismiss it quickly. I couldn't be fucked.

For a long time I couldn't stop thinking about my eyes. It sort of felt like they were quivering, moving, and at one point in the day, a little bit of my vision went white, and it gave me an awful headache.
I wandered into the bathroom later than night, holding my temples with my thumb and index fingers, and got some medicine. The throbbing was pretty terrible. After I swallowed both tablets, I had a long, hard look at myself. I thought of how much of a fuck-up I was, how I haven't achieved anything I ever wanted to in my life. I swore at my reflection, a few tears running down my check. I held my hand on the sink and looked down into the plug hole. I was there for several minutes.

Then I looked up at the mirror.

My right pupil slithered.

I thought I was seeing things, and chuckled it off a bit.

And then my right pupil opened.

Hitler Likes Videogames?

2009-09-18T18:23:00.000+10:00

It has been recorded that sometime in World War II (apparently nearing the end of it), it has been reported that Hitler may, in fact, enjoy and like videogames. The direct quote is "Shit! This is turning out worse than "E.T" on the Atari 2600!". It is said that this was recorded as Hitler was starting to lose the battle.

The press have been all over this, wondering if videogames could be the antichrist, and could be working with Hitler to start the next World War. The Government has reported that there is a man that has a moustache that resembles Hitler's in Grand Theft Auto IV. Police are searching the game for further details. It has been reported that the F.B.I is looking through Super Mario Galaxy's code, looking for words that spell out Hitler's plans.

What does that mean for us Gamers? Will we ever play a game unwatched by the Government again? Will they watch as we "pwn" "noobs" at Halo 3, and then stick our nuts in the dead person's face? Have they found us out? I will assure you, readers, that I will keep you updated. No F.B.I agent will watch me play Animal Crossing.

Why we don't post as often as you want

2009-09-04T22:43:00.000+10:00

Soyvoyage: Knockers.
Kaatridge: Jugglies.
Soyvoyage: Wibblie wobblies.
Kaatridge: Tits.
Soyvoyage: Throbbing cock.
Kaatridge: Oh.
Soyvoyage: I mean boobc.
Soyvoyage: boobs, sorry.
Soyvoyage: They confuse me so.
Kaatridge: Umm. OK, OK. melo... listen man, I can't do this. What?
Soyvoyage: I get them confused because they spend an equal amount of time in my mouth.
Kaatridge: What the fuck was that man? Cock?
Kaatridge: Seriously? Dude.
Kaatridge: Dude.
Soyvoyage: BOOBS
Soyvoyage: C'mon man, cut me some slack.
Kaatridge: I feel kind of uncomfortable now.
Kaatridge: I'm not sure I can do this.
Soyvoyage: Look man, this doesn't usually happen.
Soyvoyage: Anyone can make mistakes.
Kaatridge: I know, but it's just... it is a kind of weird mistake.
Kaatridge: I don't... yeah.
Soyvoyage: Dude, I keep on telling you.
Soyvoyage: Confusion due to:
Soyvoyage: Time
Soyvoyage: Spent
Soyvoyage: In
Soyvoyage: Mouth.
Kaatridge: You are a weird motherfucker.

Geoff Comics #1

2009-08-25T21:42:00.000+10:00

Geoff

2009-08-25T18:23:00.000+10:00

Kevyn and I once made a character one time when we were talking about shit I don't remember. His name is Geoff the Robot Butler with Tourettes. Here is a poem I made about him.

His name is Geoff the Robot,
programmed to be is polite and formal,
but when you see behind his stone-cold looks,
he is slightly paranormal.

He may look normal, but strange he does get,
You cannot see whats wrong? Well lets.
Are you done with your guesses? Are you done with your bets?
Well this fuckin' robot has touretts!

Wearing a tuxedo, he does not look the part.
He seems polite as a cracker and as nice as a tart!
Before you go thinking "He does not have touretts! You are not smart!"
Geoff yells "Poo, bum, dick and FART!"

He drops every glass and drops every plate,
and just when you thought you impressed your date,
your mate yells those words, and you knew your fate,
Your girlfriend dumps you at the time of eight.

You turn to your robot friend and shout "What the fuck was that all about?"
And as you're about to take him out,
"It's tourettes!" he says, and gives you a pout.

He explains that his problem really sucks,
And that he swears more than a sick duck,
you think he has explained without swearing a muck,
you see his mouth murm, his eye twitch, his neck turn,
then you find out you're out of luck, because...
Fuck, fuck fuck and FUCK!

Kevyn's Fiktion Korner #1

2009-08-08T22:25:00.000+10:00

Alfrenzo stalked around the corner of the warehouse, bones almost bursting from his skin under the huge mass of the item he was carrying. "DAMMIT!" He rasped "THIS THING IS DAMN HEAVY!"
"Then put it down." Said a calm voice. There was a sound that would easily pursuade one to think the box had been placed upon the concrete slab that served as the floor. "I CAN"T!" blurted Alfrenzo, the veins in his forehead ready to burst out and lead lives of their own.
"Why not?" queried the voice. "MY ARMS ARE BLOODY STUCK UNDER IT!" spat Alfrenzo, in small bursts.
"Aah. That would also explain the immense pain you are experiencing."
"SOD OFF!" belted Alfrenzo excitedly.
A pair of black gloves (in this case attatched to hands, arms, and an entire body) shifted the crate off of Alfrenzo, with no small amount of effort. Alfrenzo stared in horror at the disrepair of his arms. "You should probably have that looked at." said the voice, absent mindedly. Alfrenzo slinked out into the mid-afternoon clutching painful limbs with other painful limbs. The voice removed his top hat and placed it on the ground next to him. His pinstriped pants came into view of the waning sunlight. He levered the lid of the crate off with a concealed crowbar, and leaned in to view his imported prize.
"PILLOWS!"he cried."Wait, what!?"

The Longest Analogy

2009-08-07T22:40:00.000+10:00

Last Christmas I quite unexpectedly received a playstation3, even though I was quite happy with my wii.

It's like...
You're driving along in your groovy little Volkswagen beetle, and you're thinking about how you might get some of those fluffy dice when they become available, and how you would really like that new upholstery but it's a bit expensive. So you're driving along the life highway, stacking up little coffee cup towers and doing colouring books, when you turn into your driveway and right there, in your garage is the latest Aston Martin, complete with James Bond gadgetry.
You hop in, take it for a bit of a test drive sure, at the moment the only gadgets you have are the cup holder and ejector seat, but it has a CD player, which is nice. Anyway, you try the cup holder and it's not very good, but then you try the ejector seat. You shoot up into the air, and on the way down you see all this user created content and you hear the sweet voice of Stephen Fry.
You think; "Maybe I could just use this ejector seat forever." but then you remember; what about your life? What about your friends? What about all those crazy samba dance tracks on your cassette player in the beetle?

So you think "No, that could never work, what use is a spy car without gadgets?" so you put on some demo gadgets, the spy car grows wings, but not far enough out to fly, it emits a pleasant perfume, but for only a few seconds, leaving you wanting more, and you think; "Wow, this is pretty." but then you realize, this stuff is expensive. Maybe even expensive and you think about all the fun times you had stacking up your cheap coffee cups in the beetle, and how you got ripped off on the seats, but they were fun for everyone, so it was alright, and how you got that cassette tape of crazy mash-up songs, but it wasn't very good, and you didn't know any of the songs, so you traded it in for the crazy samba tracks, because at least you could hum along. Most of all you think about those fluffy dice, and how your interest in them seems to have faded into history, and how the upholstery you were going to get for the beetle could also fit the Aston Martin, although it would be a tad more expensive, and all in all you're very confused, because all your long term goals for the beetle have been totally undermined by the sudden and inexplicable arrival of this monolith of a machine.

You're interested though, because it will give you a chance to see what everyone has been going on about with their Ferraris. Your little beetle didn't have enough horsepower to go the same speed, and although you technically had sort of the same thing, yours was more of a billy cart then a Ferrari, and try as you might you couldn't get the same things to work for you as they did for them. Specifically the flame thrower.

Everyone loves the flamethrower it seems, it getting such great reviews from everywhere and all your friends having fun with it non-stop.
You try attaching a flamethrower to your billy-cart, but there isn't enough room on it, and it's lack of an engine makes it spurt if coughs and bursts. You could put a flamethrower on the Aston Martin. True, it would have to be retrofitted and might lose some of its extra features, but the main point is that you would have had the experience. Trouble is that's expensive. Everything is expensive and you can't find any free trials.
Things were alright when all you were building up towards the new upholstery; you had a single goal, a single dream. Now that dream has been chomped up and spat around in little bits, so only a ghostlike outline of your original intentions is visible.

But you don't have any money, so for now, it seems you're just going to muck about with the ejector seat.

The Tale of Steve the Sadistic Robot.

2009-08-04T14:41:00.000+10:00

Once there was a lad in a class who had nothing to do. So he did this:

Once there was a robot called he Steve. He was a bit of a recluse and spent most of him time writing dreary poetry and slashing his robotic wrists. This was all very easy for him, because he couldn't feel pain. He was a robot. He liked to think about pain, though he couldn't inflict pain upon himself, and his programming prevented him from inflicting pain on others.

Steve spent a lot of time doing not very violent, but almost torturous things. Like crucifying himself upside-down on a cross made out of the limbs of his obsolete previous models, and simulating his own drowning by putting himself on a long cycle in a washing machine. Steve couldn't do any real damage to himself, because he was invincible. This was an unfortunate by product of the time he spent near the Tinkers shack, where he had to recharge himself sometimes. While Steve was offline, the Tinker decided it would be the perfect time to add unneeded extras on to Steve, like giant crab claws, a giant clown wig and a giant bunny ears.
The Tinker was putting a huge cramp on Steve's emo style, and Steve made the decision that the Tinker was a massive douche.

Late on a cloudless night Steve crept into the Tinkers shack, disarming the bolted door with his crab claws. Then, utilizing some ad-hock brain surgery equipment, he planted an egg from the last living creature on the earth, the Gigantic and Incredibly Nightmare Inspiring Cuttlefish.

A few weeks later Steve awoke to the sound of tortured screams, and he was finally happy with his life.

Testicular Tuesday

2009-08-03T19:05:00.000+10:00

I don't know. I don't know. Claus is my name. Claus Urlande. and my servant's name is Penny Chinklechange. And his servant is called by the name of Pablo Inskrefabio. And he has a servant, and I am trying to recall that guy's name too. I am totally looking at him right now, and drawing a blank. Drinkle... Di... no, whatever. Screw this.

Anyway, we have been stuck in this cave for a long time. Like, super long. It is just totally crazy how long it has been. Do you not believe me? Well okay. Go to your friend. Ask him how long totally long is. What did he answer with? That is how long I have been in here. Your friend would know, he is a pretty smart guy. Anyway, a long time. Months, years...

Days even!

I may say this, but we are going pretty okay in here. We talk, play games we make up, and talk about how hot that stick next to the big stone is. Pablo may think she has fallen for him, but she is totally right up my alley. Jeepers, look at her. Bark as brown as, uh, bark.

As for food, we have some of that. Gravel, sticks, oil and some inexplicable liquid makes up our day. May not sound appetizing, but it keeps me thin like a bottle of gin, depending if the bottle of gin is quite thin, and not like a big jug. If it was a big jug, that would be pretty awkward.
Also, Stick-next-to-big-rock's sisters are for the eating too, if you know what I mean! Rawrrr!

They are delicious.

Oh god, That Guy is trying to start a cult following again. Too bad he is but a butler of a butler of a butler. Haha! Being rich rules.

Anyway, I will have to cut this short. Tonight may be the night I will have a date with Stick-next-to-the-big-rock! I just have to talk to her about the whole eating-her-sisters thing. That would be awkward.

XOXO
Claus Urlande

Crogabond jumps the shark; a dolphin's wives tale

2009-08-03T18:57:00.000+10:00

I am running a new segment on to you; the STORIES OF LORE AND WAR. Any day I want I will be writing a story about whatever I want. The stories will have titles relating to the day and the story, and they are intended as children fairy tales. I will be posting one to the morrow, so get ready, you motherfuckers!

Get the FUCK ready.

Crogabond Fan-Mail???

2009-07-15T19:41:00.000+10:00

Hey kids, millions of people have already sent in fan-mail to Crogabond! I cannot pick all of you, so here are some;

Dear Crogabond,
How big is your dick?
Love,
Julie Summerslideslutcunt

First of all, share some for the rest of the boys. You fucking slut. Secondly, you may not ask about crogabond's dick as it is a sacred beauty, and can never be discussed in the light of day. Also, he is very ashamed about it and is very shy.

yo crogobro
HEY MAN
DAT IS NOT
FULLYSICK
SERIUSLEY MY BOYZ ARE GONA FUCK YOU RIGHT UP
YOU SORRY U EVER DID THIS
G

Crogabond,
I want to be a hooker when I get older, how do you think I can get into this career????
prince of purrrrsia

Crogabond recommends you suck AS MANY DICKS AS YOU CAN. And then cut their dicks off. Then give them to crogabond.
Crogabond enjoys comparing sizes.

To Crogabond,
my friend is trying to get me to smoke. i really dont want to and i dont think he will like me anymore if i dont. what should i do?
phillips krinkleclit

Crogabond thinks you should consider the answers to the above questions.

Welp, that's one batch of fan-letters! If you want to send in some fan-mail, go fuck yourself. Or send it to legoisgod(ant)gmail(dont)com. Crogabond will wait until then.

But seriously hurry up. He doesn't like waiting that much.

What's a Crogabond?

2009-07-15T19:26:00.000+10:00

Look, jeez, c'mon man. You want to ruin all the adeventure?
First of all, let's lay down some ground rules;

Don't ask what a Crogabond is.
Or I will punch you in the lumbar vertebrae.
You can ask what a lumbar vertebrae is,
But I won't tell you. Then I will punch in the balls.
Then you will have to ask what balls are, because you don't have any.

Understood? I will tell you only one thing about the Crogabond; It exists as the coolest thing in the world, and nary a few have glimpsed upon it's glistening form. We are best buds forever, me and Crogabond, usually just chilling at it's summer retreat/dojo atop Mt. Kragtop.
( 6. I'm not telling you where Mt. Kragtop is.)
The Crogabond is everything and nothing, something and sometimes, never and very often.
Crogabond loves you.

Review: The Mario Sprite

2009-07-11T13:14:00.000+10:00

I always thought all Mario Sprites were of the highest calibur. Pixel Perfection, from this day. Every time the big N pops out another Mario game, I always admire the charm that is displayed in their sprites, especially their main man Mario's sprite. But... I just don't know about this one.

What is the first thing you think when you see this thing? Mario? I sure as hell don't see our italian plumber in this sprite. Why is his shirt and hair coloured different? Why did Nintendo choose to do this? Who did you want this new palette to appeal to, Nintendo? Well, enough of the questions, lets just take a gander at this imposter.

First of all that putrid green colour has to go. Augh. just looking at it gives me a headache. Also, look at his boots and hands! They're just waaay too big to look normal. Before this I though Nintendo was going in the right direction in the realistic department, but now it looks like they're taking a step into the stupid department. Its like they want to make our favourite plumber look dumb and just plain silly. Kids obviously would not think this character is cool.

There is not the slightest bit of detail in this character. You can't tell what he even is! Whats that? Oh, overalls? Whats that, ah, a moustache? Whats this, oh, a badly developed character!

I'm gonna cut this review short and end is with one word: Dissapointing. I expected more from you, Nintendo. I really did.

The Good
You can stop looking at it.

The Bad
But you have to start looking at it first.

Score
37.3%

Hi.

2009-07-11T13:07:00.000+10:00

This is our new blog. We will be writing whatever the hell we want here, but there will probably be things about videogames and other crazy stuff that Kevyn and I just come up with. So stay tuned, I guess. If you don't, Crogabond might do the unspeakable.

He will hurt your blood.